Despite racially offending my orientation group at Parsons and several nervous breakdowns in various subway stations, my transition into New York City living has been a smooth and enjoyable one.
In this short week or so I have already accumulated two celebrity sightings. On my first night here, I was asked to get out of Steve Guttenberg’s way in the West Village and two days ago I saw Bill Hader of Saturday Night Live in TriBeCa. I’ve also been informed that I am living on the same block as Busta Rhymes, so I sincerely hope that it’s only a matter of time until our paths cross.
Classes start on Monday, one of which requires the use of various power tools. This excites me (sexually) and I am the most eager of beavers for the semester to begin. It seems like I have a fairly hectic semester ahead of me, but I am confident in my time management abilities. To make things even busier, Ava and I have decided to design and construct a five-piece collection on our own time by the end of the semester. We decided to do this after viewing the work of two SAIC students who did the exact same thing and realizing that we could do better. We plan to document our process here.
Queen Badiane of Sailor Moon Supers: The Movie
All that we’ve discussed at this point is what we should call ourselves. While we both agree on naming the line after something Sailor Moon related, we argue over which particular aspect. Ava likes “Black Moon Clan” whereas I prefer the similar yet powerfully different “Black Dream Hole”.
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Juun J. F/W '10
Juun J. F/W '10
The more I look at menswear, the more interested I become in it. I’ve said before that it usually upsets me because of my total inability to either obtain or look halfway decent in most of the looks that I like. Never before though have I found myself wishing that I could. There’s something about Juun J. that manages to release the same kind of butterflies into my stomach that I get from looking at my favorite womenswear collections. It might be because he is Korean.
Bruno Pieters S/S '10
Bruno Pieters S/S '10
Now that the New Year has come, there are a lot of Top 10 lists (and S/S ‘10 ads !) floating around and, because I enjoyed writing a Holiday Gift Guide so much, I’ve decided to once again pretend that what I say actually matters.
I was originally asked to make a Top 10 list by my gay friend Cary Georges. Cary runs some kind of email-based art collective that I recently realized I was a member of, so I’ve decided to kill two birds with one retarded stone and make a blog entry out of my list. Cary is kind of a dickhole, but I’ve been looking over a lot of the content from this email collective and it’s pretty cool. Simply join by sending an email to email.collective@gmail.com
When told that the subject matter could be whatever the hell I wanted, I cycled through several possibilities. Ideas like “Top 10 Twat-Faces of the Decade” or “Sad, Pathetic Alcoholics of ‘09″ were what first struck me, but those would be far too easy. “Koreans of 2009″ and the fashion-related “Sluttiest Collections of the past 10 Years” also failed to materialize. After a while of brain storming, I decided on what some might consider to be a middle ground. In order to lighten the potentially difficult subject matter, I’ve decided to also include my “Top 10 .gif Files Depicting Various Asians” throughout the main list. I hope you all enjoy:
*Beds of Nails Top 5 Up and Coming Sexual Acts*
Pornography and various arcane fetishes have always been a depressing inevitability in my almost lifelong online quest to crush my own soul. It was only recently that I learned to actually appreciate these things for how fucked they can truly be.
I’m sure that we’ve all noticed that the sex world is subject to trends just like everything else. New examples of perversity have been constantly presenting themselves on the internet over the past few years, each one more upsetting than the last. It’s my belief that we as a society are at a special point in our collective sexualities where these god-awful variations of banging could possibly trickle into the mainstream. By “mainstream” I mean actually taking place within the very bedrooms of our nation as a matter of routine, just like bj’s, vj’s and glass-bottom boating.
5. Huffling
Simply put, huffling is the act of fucking somebodies sweaty, foul-smelling armpit. How could this not remind someone of anal? With STD’s spreading like wildfire, the armpit may prove to be the next *it* orifice. With all the benefits and none of the mess that comes with a vagina or an anus, huffling has a serious chance to become huge.
4. “Dogs in a Bath Tub”
You know how it’s a pain in the asshole to give a dog a bath? They never seem to want to stay in there. It’s the same with testicles wedged into someones anus. However, mankind has proven its willingness to take on new challenges, which is why I think this little gem will also catch on.
3. Food Sex / Erotic Vomiting
I came to this conclusion while watching the episode of Seinfeld where George longs to eat meals of his choosing while porking his girlfriend. His reasoning made sense to me. It’s basic human nature to want to try and combine our pleasures into one orgiastic fountain of indulgence. Food sex will become normal (if it isn’t already) because people love food and they also love screwing. While sex is apparently fun (I’m not sure, but I’ve heard good things), it is not uncommon for people to feel remorse immediately after. Interestingly enough, the same thing occurs after most people devour an entire honey-baked ham. Combine these two facts and you’ll understand where I’ve gotten emetophilia from.
2. Agalmatophilia
This term describes a sexual attraction to statues, dolls, mannequins, etc. It seems as though staggering advances in technology are happening every day. This is why I believe the inevitable option to pound out lifelike robots will present itself very soon. Some would argue that very few people would willingly choose to be serviced by a sultry, technologically immaculate android that never says “no” instead of a human being. Anyone who says such a thing, however, is retarded and obviously not as attractive as these aforementioned robots of the future.
1. Dragon Dildos
What with blockbuster hits such as the Twilight Saga growing more popular by the second, the next few years should prove to be rife with an ever-increasing interest in various mythological creatures. Fat, lonely girls all over the world will inevitably flock to the online shop at Bad Dragon in order to try and sate their unearthly desires for a supernatural sexual experience.
Happy Holidays!
We love the holiday season here at Beds of Nails, and I feel obligated to try and spread my own special kind of holiday spirit amongst my devoted readers. I sat here for some time this evening, staring at the blank text window and pondering what the best possible way to go about this might be when suddenly it struck me with all the force and certainty of a reindeer hoof to the throat.
What better way to sprinkle my Christmas cheer upon all of your eager faces than with a Beds of Nails Holiday Gift Guide? These little treasures beneath the sea of my heart are a sure way to dazzle that certain someone as well as impress those around you whether it be at an intimate dinner, a classy office party or a festive winter lynching.
uCrown Soothing Head Massager
2009 was not an easy year on many of our pocket books. Picking up the pieces of our crumbled economy can be just as stressful as struggling beneath those very ruins. For the small price of $200, you can help ease the burden and the skull of a frazzled loved one with this head massager made by the good, practical people at uCrown.
Artificial Hymen Kit
We all know that the dawn of 2010 is upon us. A smart option would be to a give a gift that will warm a heart and prove beneficial to those inevitable New Years Resolutions. With this artificial hymen, your lady loved ones can renew both mind and body for the new decade. If you’re anything like me, you’ll have more than a few friends who wouldn’t mind starting over with a fresh start ASAP. Now their 176th time can be their 1st again!
"The Gryphon" by Bad Dragon
It’s no secret that we here at Beds of Nails are big fans of Bad Dragon’s various beast-inspired dildos and plugs. Whether you have a friend who wants all the benefits of borderline bestiality with none of the mess or are just looking for a sassy nik-nak to place on the mantel above the roaring fire, Bad Dragon has you covered. Here’s a tip fresh from our oven: Why not liven up the dinner table this holiday season with a fun centerpiece created around an eager tentacle or almighty gryphon penis?
Platinized Large Porcelain Choker by Uncommon Matters
We are firm believers that the price of beauty is often pain. We also like pain. This porcelain choker by Uncommon Matters is the perfect gift for someone who shares our belief. If you find yourself this season with some extra cash in your holiday fund you might want to consider this beautiful piece for that fashion risk-taker on your list. Take note boys, the surface appears to be reflective, so it might also be a nice gift for an unattractive lady friend. Have her wear it during the throws of Christmas passion and, depending on what room you’re in, you’ll be provided with a bevy of distractions from her unfortunate features.
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We hope that this list has provided you all with some wonderful ideas. It hasn’t? Perhaps within the coming days more suggestions will present themselves. If so, we’ll make sure to let them be known.
I often mention that this was originally intended to be a simple fashion blog. This goal, of course, has spiraled completely out of control into something far less respectable than I had hoped for. I believe that my post about dragon dildos single-handedly dragged me into the “low-brow” section of the blogosphere and I have only myself to blame.
I learned pretty quickly that writing about fashion is about as much fun as rectal thermometry. I find most fashion blogs I come across to be almost sedating, which is why I attempted to make my own. I thought I could do better but at this point it’s more difficult than ever.
Bruno Pieters S/S '10
Bruno Pieters S/S '10
There’s a serious limit to the amount of entertaining(?) comments I can make about fashion before I become absolutely predictable. For example: “While Bruno Pieter’s S/S ‘10 collection was one of my favorites this season, I can’t help but find a few of the pieces to be somewhat vaginal in appearance.”
Predictable or not, I can’t really imagine this kind of schoolyard immaturity being appreciated all that much within the silky confines of the fashion world. This begs the question of who actually reads my blog.
Bruno Pieters S/S '10
In addition to wondering why I even have any in the first place, I often wonder who my few readers really are. Are they bored fashionistas scraping the bottom of the fashion blog barrel? Or are they typical, squared-away web surfers accidentally stumbling upon my whiny online diary? According to my WordPress dashboard, one of the most popular search terms people find my blog with is “bathing in semen”, so I am going to go ahead and assume that it is a healthy combination of both.
Having said all of this, I plan on changing absolutely nothing other than trying to find new and exciting ways to write about fa(g)shion. I believe I’ve met my quota for this particular entry, and now I feel comfortable moving onto something much more fun.
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Cam4 is horrific little website that differentiates from your average camwhoring network in that it’s free and filled with more ugly people than you’d expect in such a place. People get naked in front of their webcams by themselves or with a partner and perform any number of frightening acts as the people watching them type their mostly encouraging comments in an adjacent chat window.
Typical dirty Italian Cam4 tranny
It goes without saying that most people visit this site to watch others bang themselves or each other, and I am no exception. However, my interest is not sexual in nature. I am fascinated by many of the camwhores I’ve seen, and many of their “performances” haunt me to this very day. I’ve watched middle-aged married couples smoke crystal meth and then fornicate like angry possums. I’ve seen morbidly obese men electrocute their genitals and I’ve seen strip-teases so uncomfortable that I felt embarassed just watching them.
I’ve decided that most of these people are complete sociopaths and this is why I continue to visit the site. Watching many of these people is sometimes looking into the darkest, most disturbing reaches of the persons mind (genital electrocution).
I can and do get lost for hours in the labrynthian asylum that is Cam4. I’ve felt tempted before to put myself in the very position that I am equally entertained by and afraid of. Many people simply sit there innocently and chat with those watching them, all the while enticing them by depriving them of what they really want. This is without a doubt the path I’d end up taking. Prozac destroyed any possiblity of me ever having an actual sex drive, but the attention and compliments certainly seem nice.
It would definitely make for an interesting entry.
The most recent lack of updates here at Beds of Nails can be chalked up to my most recent descent into a swirling torrent of misfortune. Upon checking my bank account recently, I discovered that I have less than $25 to my name. This would be fine, however, I was absolutely sure that I had well over $100 in there. It’s heartbreaking when one learns that they are worth less than the cost of a few of the beers that put them in this very position.
This also comes at an unfortunate time because of some goals and realizations that I have come to over the past few days. I decided that I like money. I also like food. I’ve learned that these two things are some of the strongest driving forces in my very existence.
Christmas List '09 - Architecture Now! Restaurants & Bars
My goal is to eventually make enough money after graduating to be able to dine at various restaurants for every meal. I thought this goal was semi-reasonable, but things aren’t exactly looking that great when I sit down and really look at my bank account activity.
The other night while jerking off to the Food Network, I decided that I wanted in to the world of fine dining. It’s the perfect thing to blow my money on. I’m too picky with clothes to go shopping that often, and everything else can pretty much be illegally obtained on the internet for free. Outrageous dining experiences are hands down some of the most enjoyable memories I have, so why not drop an absurd amount of money on a lavish meal when I have the opportunity?
Jewel Bako
The first of many restaurants I would like to financially cripple myself at is Jewel Bako in Manhattan’s East Village. Visiting Luxirare is always a mistake, as she makes me feel horribly inadequate in nearly every aspect. In this case, however, I am glad to have perused the sites archives. I discovered a documentation of her experience at Jewel Bako, which consisted of eating a lobster while its terrified little heart was still beating. The woman is a goddess.
Of course, in order to spend this kind of money every now and then, I need to have this kind of money every now and then. I feel almost completely incapable of doing so with my ability to burn through funds without even realizing it.
A few nights ago, I took several mandatory online orientations for Parsons. One of them was about alcohol abuse and required me to fill out an elaborate survey about my own drinking habits. Based on the information I provided, I was presented with the following image:
The thought that someone would be sadistic enough to do this kind of math in cheeseburgers is profoundly disturbing to me. This doesn’t frighten me from a caloric viewpoint as I weigh less than 120 pounds. It does, however, scare the shit out of me financially.
In previous posts I have offered my advice to my unfortunate, sometimes disgusting readers. Now the tables have turned, and I am asking for your advice on how to manage my money wisely. Please respond to me with your tips.
Lesbian Financial Wizard Suze Orman
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Final Fantasy XIII
Final Fantasy XIII
I am saddened by the knowledge that I will be unable to play Final Fantasy XIII when it is released in North America in March as my XBOX 360 and I will have an entire country between us for an indefinite amount of time.
Much salt was thrown on my wound when I learned that Bayonetta would also be eluding me at around more or less the same time. Bayonetta is a game about a witch who fights with her hair and four pistols, two of which are attached to her shoes.
I love it when video games have great art direction and character design like these two. Anyone can create a gross, big-tittied heroine who can shoot knives from her vagina. I want to see smart, beautiful design. Other developers should take note: style is important.
My family’s Thanksgiving festivities usually consist of a gaggle of loud, aggressive Italians gathering at my grandmothers house to talk a bunch of shit to each other and eat themselves into diabetic comas.
I was more than happy to extend the tradition this year to my Korean friend Hayeon Kim and invite her here for the holiday. “Hay” and I became friends back in Chicago and visited Seoul together this past summer. The weekend was fun and all, but I can’t help but be a little shocked and slightly disappointed that none of my old, racist relatives referred to her as “oriental” or “dragon lady”. That sort of thing always tickles me a lot more than it should.
I wish she was still here. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, China Doll.
Maison Martin Margiela Home Collection
Hayeon is important to me because she is one of the few people on this planet that I never seem to get tired of. I highly doubt that the feeling is mutual, but that is beside the point. Most people can drive me into an almost deadly state of boredom within 10 minutes, but Hayeon and her sassy “engrish” commentary an various outrageous subjects never ceases to entertain me.
We may very well be living together in NYC next fall and she has expressed an interest in purchasing Margiela furniture. I’m not particularly interested in furniture or interior design, but I do love Margiela and these pictures are pretty magical.
Maison Martin Margiela Home Collection
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Taecyeon of 2PM
I’m always fascinated by people with borderline-fanatical celebrity fixations. I respect both their dedication and their attention spans.
When news broke that Taecyeon (a member of Korean boy-band 2PM) received a fan letter written with menstrual blood and sprinkled with pubes, I was overwhelmed by how magical I think it is.
Devotion
A translation:
I dedicate to Taecyeon my period blood letter
Ok Taecyeon, You cannot live without me
Sprinkled with a few strands of my pubes
According to my Asian sources, this is has been one of the biggest stories in South Korea since it happened.
Upon further research into the subject, I learned that Lee Woo Kyung, winner of Project Runway: Korea, is the mind behind 2PM’s current concept and styling. After winning the competition, Lee was offered a position at JYP Entertainment as their official Style Director.
Lee Woo Kyung
Congratulations on having my dream job, you little bitch.
I’ve mentioned Lee Woo Kyung on here before and I’ve been a fan of her work on PR:K since it debuted.
Lee Woo Kyung
Lee Woo Kyung
As a whole, Project Runway tends to suck balls but I’m really into Lee and her work. However, I’ve been unable to find a lot of information on her other than the above and the fact that she graduated from FIT.
If anyone knows anything else or has any sweet pictures of more of her work, please send it my way.
Make-Up by Thomas de Kluyver
Make-Up by Thomas de Kluyver
In my opinion, sex is something that could always use a makeover. Call me a prude, but the thought of sweaty, naked bodies grotesquely pounding away to the most evil of rhythms isn’t exactly a beautiful one.
Because of this, I’ve always been enchanted by the idea of what I thought was referred to as a “Chicken Party”. For most of my life, I’ve been under the belief that a chicken party is a gathering of friends in which all of the females wear a different shade of lipstick and, at the end of the night, the male with the most colorful penis wins some kind of fabulous prize. Pretty imagery, right?
I was embarrassed to learn that this is actually referred to as a “Rainbow Party”. I’d been throwing the wrong term around for years and have probably made a complete jackass out of myself on several occasions without even realizing it. What else is new?
Where in the hell did I get “Chicken” from? I also feel totally thrown off since this means what I previously thought a “Rainbow Party” consisted of was also completely wrong. It’s too long to explain what I had originally believed it to be, but I can safely say that it was far more elaborate and debauched than a “Chicken Party” could ever hope to be.
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The amount of dumb shit happening at award shows this year is pretty staggering, and I could not be happier about it. How does one top Kanye’s infamous outburst during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech? Shove your cock in a leather-clad male dancers face, that’s how.
Everyone is talking about pop diva Adam Lambert and his way gay antics at the AMA’s this Sunday. The repercussions for his glittery, pelvis-popping actions have caused hordes of angry gays to shout “Double Thtandard!”.
I think this is stupid. If Lady Gaga or the insufferable Rihanna gyrated their dirty pussies into a dancers face on a Sunday night in front of millions of families, people would be just as pissed. Should people be upset? I of course don’t think so, but what are you going to do? We live in a country where an innocent nip-slip instigated the FCC to enforce a “5-Second Delay” law.
Come on, gays. Stop complaining. Maybe it’s one of the reasons people “hate” queers so much. The man you’re all defending is doing absolutely nothing to help you or your causes.
It has just come to my attention that my father recently stumbled across my blog, and when I say “stumbled” I mean actively searched for it after I threatened to burn our home down should he ever so much as google my name. While I do feel somewhat hindered, I will try with every fiber of my being to maintain the increasingly high quality of this blog despite knowing that my own father will be reading every stupid entry.
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Christmas List '09 - "Maison Martin Margiela: 20 Years The Exhibition"
I suppose when one decides to major in fashion design and attempt to maintain a “fashion” blog, they open themselves up to a variety of expectations and stereotypes. This past Thursday evening, I was both cattily and sarcastically referred to as a “fashion expert” by a gay idiot at a bad party who just happened to be wearing a pair of purple jeans.
Most mildly retarded people wouldn’t even joke about me considering myself to be a fashion expert. I am more than aware of the fact that I have less than five actual “outfits” and I still manage to get profoundly confused and frustrated when I dress myself every day. Having an appreciation and interest in design is a little different from having an opinion on what people actually wear on a daily basis. Even though I might think colored denim and Hitler Youth haircuts are a little “2000 and Late“, I could honestly give two shits about what people actually choose to adorn their disgusting bodies with.
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Christmas List '09 - "Pi by Givenchy"
I’ve recently realized how important a persons scent is. I’d have to say that smell is capable of attracting me to a person more than their looks or personality, so I try and remember make an effort and use some kind of fragrance.
Lately I’ve been using “Diagonal” by Gareth Pugh but I’ve been trying not to get attached and preserve it for special occasions since it’s limited edition.
I think my recent interest in the scents of myself and others was caused by my friend Anni when she informed me that I am “one of those kids that always smells like detergent”. Detergent smells nice enough, but I’m not particularly interested in reminding people of their freshly cleaned panties.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt by a death before. I’ve never really cared.
You were so magical.
You are my beauty parade.
RIP Daul Kim <3
Going out and giving myself diarrhea from greasy and / or exotic foods at 4 o’clock in the morning is something I haven’t really been able to do as often as I’d like, but that is all about to change.
New York City is a weird place to know that you’re moving to. It seems as though you can do whatever you want whenever the hell you want, which is a pretty appealing idea. I could do the same here if I got off of my ass and obtained a drivers license but this point I’m not really seeing too much of a reason.
As excited as I am about moving, I am also not without my fears and concerns. By attending Parsons, I will be joining a frightening army of vicious and judgmental homosexuals whom I assume will mercillessly ridicule me for any number of reasons.
Fashionista’s, especially gay ones, are a pretty intense group of people and I’m not entirely sure that I have what it takes to survive within their harsh and unforgiving world.
some real shit
Often times I’m not even sure that I want to have what it takes.
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A month or two after each Fashion Week, I always find redeeming qualities in collections that I was less than impressed with. I’m not a fan of Balmain, and Christophe Decarnin did little to change that with the houses Spring collection. However, upon closer inspection I was able to make the following connection:
Balmain S/S '10
Sailor Galaxia
So Sailor Galaxia.
It looks like this particular slutty fashion house just went up a few spaces on my list.
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Sometimes I can get really invested in something even if I don’t really care for it. Such is the case with Glee.
Jane Lynch of Glee
Glee is an outrageously faggy television show that I am just now starting to get into. At first, I thought it was the most embarrassingly awful thing I had ever seen. I found myself covering my eyes at points and violently convulsing on the ground out of the shame I was feeling for myself and the actors.
I still feel exactly the same, but for some as of yet unknown reason I can’t get enough of this show. I’ve never been a fan of random musical numbers and I probably never will be. However, when you throw obese black girls, teen pregnancy, and a cheerleader with Down Syndrome into the same TV show I am more than sold. Who could resist such a tempting cocktail of television greatness?
PS:
I totally went to high school with the kid that plays the nerdy paraplegic.
